In marriage, there are 2 types of scoreboards we unknowingly keep. One for the things we did versus what our spouses didn't do. The other is for the arguments we won and didn't.
My husband just came from his work and we got into a slightly heated discussion.
I was telling him that while he was gone, I drove the kids to their errands, back and forth to the parlor, school, grocery and even stopped for a car wash. I also pointed out that for few days he has been away, I took care of the babies. I have pointed them out to get some slack from his request, which after awhile I realized, was just valid. It was in no way connected to what he was telling me but I did it anyway.
I thought I have learned my lesson not to succumb to keeping scores of what I did and what he did.
But sometimes, it is just so tempting and I know I have to continuously work on it - BECAUSE it’s just pointless and immature to argue about who does more. Such an argument
doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t solve any problems and it doesn’t
make anyone feel any better. Sure it might lead to a fleeting feeling of superiority, but that's just about it.
With the extreme cases excluded, saying “I did this more,” is just a
passive way of pointing a finger and saying “you do this less,” and
showing your discontent or resentment in a way. No good comes from it.
In a regular, everyday scope of married life everything moves smoother if you decide who you want to be and then be that person regardless of what your spouse does. Your spouse shouldn't be your character's benchmark.
You do things without expecting anything in return. We need to understand that our spouses' appreciation comes in many shapes and forms. From a simple "thank you" to a grand gesture of cooking his favorite dish using his mom's recipe. I was raised in a family where verbal expression of gratitude and love was not much practiced. And I am trying to rewire my self into that. Trying...
In any relationship, happiness never comes from keeping a mental tally of who does more of what. Happiness comes from asking for support when you need it, from letting go of the small stuff, and from cheering for your spouse when he had unusually cooked for you!
If love keeps no score of wrongs (I Corinthians 13), perhaps it keeps no score of rights, either.
Drop the perception that you always have to prove yourself. You and your spouse are one. Your common goal is to resolve an issue and not to win an issue.
When one submits a concern on the table, which more likely will involve you, don't be defensive. Check where your spouse is coming from and his/her intention. Is he saying that to hurt you or to correct you?
I remember listening to my friend's husband saying "I have gotten away from keeping score, because there is nothing to win! I
can win but at what cost? At the expense of dismantling my wife. I
often say, 'in marriage you can be right and still be wrong'. Don’t win,
lose the argument and win her love."
Marriage
is not a competition. No one needs to always win an argument. It is not
about being right or having better ideas, it is about being the right
person for your spouse.
I have read a blog that likened keeping scores to scarcity versus abundance.
When we are scarce of security, we find it from winning an argument. But when we have an abundant love for our spouse, being right is nothing and scores has no space in our marriage boards.
(I had promised to continue my blog about my teenage son. Sorry to break it. I had to postponed that so I can give in to the amounting requests of my girlfriends about this topic.)
