Ditching Your Scoreboards

In marriage, there are 2 types of scoreboards we unknowingly keep. One for the things we did versus what our spouses didn't do. The other is for the arguments we won and didn't.

"I did this, I did that"

My husband just came from his work and we got into a slightly heated discussion.

I was telling him that while he was gone, I drove the kids to their errands, back and forth to the parlor, school, grocery and even stopped for a car wash. I also pointed out that for few days he has been away, I took care of the babies. I have pointed them out to get some slack from his request, which after awhile I realized, was just valid. It was in no way connected to what he was telling me but I did it anyway.

I thought I have learned my lesson not to succumb to keeping scores of what I did and what he did.

But sometimes, it is just so tempting and I know I have to continuously work on it - BECAUSE it’s just pointless and immature to argue about who does more. Such an argument doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t solve any problems and it doesn’t make anyone feel any better. Sure it might lead to a fleeting feeling of superiority, but that's just about it.

With the extreme cases excluded, saying “I did this more,” is just a passive way of pointing a finger and saying “you do this less,” and showing your discontent or resentment in a way. No good comes from it.

In a regular, everyday scope of married life everything moves smoother if you decide who you want to be and then be that person regardless of what your spouse does. Your spouse shouldn't be your character's benchmark.

You do things without expecting anything in return. We need to understand that our spouses' appreciation comes in many shapes and forms. From a simple "thank you" to a grand gesture of cooking his favorite dish using his mom's recipe. I was raised in a family where verbal expression of gratitude and love was not much practiced. And I am trying to rewire my self into that. Trying...

In any relationship, happiness never comes from keeping a mental tally of who does more of what. Happiness comes from asking for support when you need it, from letting go of the small stuff, and from cheering for your spouse when he had unusually cooked for you!

"Why do you need to be always right?"

If love keeps no score of wrongs (I Corinthians 13), perhaps it keeps no score of rights, either.

Drop the perception that you always have to prove yourself. You and your spouse are one. Your common goal is to resolve an issue and not to win an issue.
When one submits a concern on the table, which more likely will involve you, don't be defensive. Check where your spouse is coming from and his/her intention. Is he saying that to hurt you or to correct you? 

I remember listening to my friend's husband saying "I have gotten away from keeping score, because there is nothing to win! I can win but at what cost? At the expense of dismantling my wife. I often say, 'in marriage you can be right and still be wrong'. Don’t win, lose the argument and win her love."

Marriage is not a competition. No one needs to always win an argument. It is not about being right or having better ideas, it is about being the right person for your spouse.

I have read a blog that likened keeping scores to scarcity versus abundance.

When we are scarce of security, we find it from winning an argument. But when we have an abundant love for our spouse, being right is nothing and scores has no space in our marriage boards. 

(I had promised to continue my blog about my teenage son. Sorry to break it. I had to postponed that so I can give in to the amounting requests of my girlfriends about this topic.)

Version 2 Point Oh! (v 2.0)

Parenting teenagers is hard.

I remember telling myself one Sunday afternoon while coming out of a restaurant with my 2 kids, "I totally enjoy being a mom. It is such a breeze and I think I am really good at this." That was a decade ago. We just finished our usual after-church lunch and reiterated to them the famous Ephesians 6:1, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." They were so eager to hear my examples and the promises it will bring them in the future if they obey. What a joy to see through their eyes how they honor your every word, how they believe in every explanation I gave.

Sigh.

Ten years after, boom! It hits you. They are all grown up. Each has the mind of his own. Very intelligent. Each knows how to win a debate and oftentimes keep me dumbfounded.

In one of the arguments I had with my eldest son, my past was brought up. The ever famous line "You also did the same thing, Ma". It was about my disapproval of him being in a relationship amidst flunking Mathematics in Ateneo. I didn't disapprove because of his low grades. I disapprove because of the lessons I learned the hardest way. Being a teenage mom at age 19, you can only imagine how hard life can be when everything was not going right. It will be a natural for you to make a promise to yourself to make a better mom for a better version of yourself in your kids, right?

However, lessons learned shouldn't be the sole reason for wanting to be a better parent and for wanting your kids to be your Version 2 Point Oh! The way we raise our children should always align with the biblical standards. From the simplest principle of dressing up modestly, to the hard-to-follow principle of purity -- and everything in between like waiting for God's best, seeking His will, being excellent in the season one is in. All these should guide our parenting. Or should I say, guide us per se.

Many can boast of what they have become or who they are now because of their past. That same path they took, they want their children to take. Logic dictates that, "If you did what I did, then you can become me".  Don't we want them to be a better us? For it is not ourselves nor our accomplishments that our children should look up to. They just simply need to look up.

On the other hand, I have come to know some friends who are so obsessed with raising better children. These are parents who would  concoct their own formulas to produce the kind of person they want their children to become. And I have seen some ugly results. It's either they end up hurting the child or other members of the family. It's just not right.
That's why we need true relationship with Jesus because only then we can realize how to align our hopes and our dreams for our children with God's will and purpose. It is written in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV). No plan can be better than His plans, right? Unless you think we are better than God...Uh oh.

We, parents, are God's appointed stewards of our children. We don't own our children. They are His and we are just their caretakers here on earth.

So don't possess them and don't be obsessed with them. They are not your masterpieces that you mold them to be like you or somebody. They should go after God's image, for such is the ultimate purpose of His creation.

And so today, in this parenting journey of mine, I'd like to believe that being parents to our children of any age, can still be a breeze. We can still pat our own backs and say "I am such a good parent", through Him and in Him.




To God be all the glory.




Next blog: I'll tell you how my son's argument with me ended up.